How To Get Married in Singapore Without Your Father / Wali
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. Assalamu'alaikum everyone.
This is going to be a long one, so let's get straight to the point: in this article, we'll only be focusing on the challenges that we personally faced when trying to get married in Singapore without Nurul's birth father, or in Muslim terms, a wali. If you’re here, it probably means that you’re in the same position that we were in, four months ago. Lost, clueless, overwhelmed, restless and everything else yang sewaktu dengannya. Nurul will be writing this post from her pov, in hopes that it will be helpful to those of you who are in the same situation. We truly understand the uncertainty of cases like ours and wish we had something like this to refer to while preparing to get married. We hope this post will be of use to you and your partner :)
- Fazwan & Nurul (p.s. follow us ok! @exploretomakan on tiktok, instagram and youtube!)
Edited on 30 April 2023: I did not receive any response after posting the missing person’s advertisement for my father and I had assumed that it was because he didn’t care. However, earlier this month, I received the news that my father had passed away, potentially even before I got married. Losing a parent is never easy, even if they were not present in your life. I was not close to him, as he was not around while I was growing up. However, I understand that without him, I would not be alive today. Despite not having a close relationship with him, his passing still affected me deeply. It made me reflect on the importance of family and the impact that each person has on our lives, whether we realize it or not. As a Muslim, I would like to humbly request for you to recite Al-Fatiha for my father, Jalil Bin Kasauk. May Allah (SWT) grant him peace and blessings in the hereafter, and may his soul rest in eternal peace.
Manage your expectations
Firstly, please allow me to manage your expectations. This going to be a lengthy but in-depth post, and you really need to understand that it is not going to be a straightforward process. There will be days where you’re left just waiting for news and there will be times where you’ll be pissed with everyone around you. But we always believe in the saying that, the road to doing something good isn’t going to be easy, but it will definitely be worth it. Allah won’t put you through difficult times for nothing, so try to stay calm throughout, don’t be dramatic, don’t get angry with anybody, and Insha’Allah, what’s meant to be will be.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog post is accurate to the best of my knowledge at the time of posting. However, I am not a legal professional, and the content shared here is based solely on my personal experience. It is important to note that laws and regulations can vary and change over time and across different jurisdictions. Therefore, the information presented should not be considered as legal advice or a substitute for professional legal counsel. Always consult with a qualified attorney or legal expert for advice tailored to your specific situation. I do not assume any responsibility or liability for any actions taken based on the information provided in this blog post.
Understand which scenario your case is
Secondly, you need to understand that the process / solution really depends on a case by case basis, especially when there is an incomplete prerequisite - such as the absence of a wali. At this moment, there are three scenarios that I can think off:
Scenario 1: Your dad has passed away or is in a critical medical condition.
Scenario 2: Your parents are divorced but your dad is still alive and contactable.
Scenario 3: Your parents are divorced but your dad is nowhere to be found.
For us, it was scenario 3. We may or may not be able to answer to your questions if yours is a different scenario, but I'll try my very best to make the information as clear as possible, and hopefully relevant for all.
Understand the procedure for your case
The standard procedure for a normal muslim couple to get married in Singapore is as such:
Online Application (Select Date, Select Kadi, Input couple details, Input solemnisation details, Input witness Details)
Face-to-Face (F2F) with Assigned Kadi / Naib Kadi
Verification of Documents and Statutory Declaration (VDSD)
Solemnisation Ceremony
However, for muslims brides who do not have a wali, this is the process:
Online Application (Input Couple Details only, that’s all)
VDSD (Select Preferred Date, Select Kadi, Input solemnisation details, Input witness Details)
Receive letter from ROMM to file for a missing person’s advertisement.
Bring that letter to a media agency that can publish the newspaper ad.
This depends on the last known country of your wali.
Wait for the ad to be published. Once published, get a physical copy of that ad.
Bring that physical copy to ROMM, submit it as proof of attempt to find the wali.
The wali will have until your wedding date, to report to ROMM and declare himself as your wali. If he does not appear or answer to the advertisement, solemnisation proceeds with Tok Kadi as the Wali Hakim (Tok Kadi becomes your Wali on behalf of your missing father). If there is response from the wali, the wali will either a) need to attend the ceremony as your wali and attend or b) sign off his “power” and authorise the Tok Kadi to be wali hakim.
F2F with your assigned Tok Kadi.
Solemnisation
Masya’Allah. I’m getting worked up just thinking about all the stress that we had to endure, going through all of these uncertainty. The worst part was, we didn’t know that this was the process that we had to go through. We only knew about the next step when the step before that was completed, and this information is not available on ROMM’s website. For our case, it was even tougher because a) we don’t know whether my dad is dead or alive and since I am originally born in Malaysia, b) my dad is Malaysian, so we had to publish the missing person’s ad into the Malaysian newspaper. I will share about our process chronologically so it’s less confusing.
Early 2020: Preparing For The Wedding
Fazwan and I started planning for our wedding in 2018, probably a few months before we got engaged. We literally booked our vendors first before researching about the nikah procedures. That was our first mistake. We only started to research about the nikah procedures in 2020 itself. We scoured the internet and couldn’t find anything relatable to our situation. It’s stressful, confusing, and the ROMM staff or website isn’t exactly helpful either. The only relatable article that we could find online was this one by Singapore Legal Advice. We wanted to keep things quiet but in the end, we had to seek help from friends and followers, and in the end, the most helpful information that we received was from those who had been in the same situation as me. Their responses gave us hope and an insight to what to expect / how to proceed etc.
6 July 2020: Marriage Application (Attempt)
This is the first thing that you need to do and it can only be done online. You can only submit an application 150 days before your wedding. I wanted to test the form in advanced (and thankfully I did) because the form looked so foreign to us and ROMM’s FAQ page seems to only cater to couples with no wali issues. After researching online, I found no information that I could rely on, so I dropped ROMM an email, but there was no reply within 2 days so I gave them a call. The staff then told us to select “Wali whereabouts unknown” on the online registration form and told us that I am not allowed to choose a Naib Kadi. That was when I learnt that if you don’t have a wali, you cannot take a Naib Kadi, because only a Kadi is able to hold the responsibility of a Wali hakim to “replace” your father’s consent to marry you off. A Naib Kadi cannot do that. I had to say goodbye to our wish of having Ustaz Mizi Wahid as our Kadi.
Email response from ROMM with regards to Wali whereabouts is unknown.
How to check available malay wedding dates on ROMM website
I honestly didn’t even know that we couldn’t select the date or Kadi at all. No one from ROMM told us about this so thank god we did the attempt submission in advanced. I highly recommend you to attempt doing this even if your wedding is months away. Just fill in as if you’re applying, select any date within the next 150 days, but don’t submit with payment at the end. Just to see if you’re faced with any unexpected blockers. Through this attempt, you can see how many people have applied for each date, so for us, we could see that there was a lot of couples applying for hot dates like 10.10, 12.12 etc. You can even see if the date you want is available / has an influx of bookings, etc. Just hover over the date. This availability will also depend on the Kadi / Naib Kadi slots.
16 July 2020: Marriage Application (Actual Submission)
It was really scary, to be honest. The uncertainty caused a lot of stress because if you don’t have a wali, you cannot even choose your date or Kadi. You’re literally submitting your intention to get married. That’s all. I’m not trying to scare you but like I mentioned earlier, you need to manage your expectations and really tahan the stress in order to work for this thing that you really want. Plus, don’t forget, after submitting the online application, you have to call ROMM to alert them that you submitted with no Wali - this is for them to expedite your VDSD. They won’t call you. You have to call them. After you've called, they will get back to you within 5 - 7 days with the next available date for VDSD.
Important: Do take note that regular couples will have F2F first, followed by VDSD. For couples like us, it’s the other way around. You will have to do your VDSD first, and then F2F. ROMM needs to verify your documents first, before you proceed with the next step. ROMM really needs to update their website because this information should have been made available in the first place.
I’m not gonna lie, I was totally freaking out because of all the uncertainty and lack of information. We already booked everything in 2018 and our initial wedding date was supposed to be 12.12.2020 (a hot date) so this means that there were bound to be hundreds of couples registered for this date. ROMM only has 39 Naib Kadis and 11 Kadis for your selection.
Common sense tells you that if there are 100 couples wanting to get married on that same date, there is bound to be a shortage of Kadi / Naib Kadi. It's highly likely that we will have to either change the solemnization time or date. This was a major concern for us and in the end, we decided to make the decision ourselves, instead of letting fate decide for us. We switched our wedding day to a weekday instead of a weekend because then, we won’t have to fight for a Kadi or make changes to our itinerary to fit a Kadi’s availability.
5 August 2020: VDSD Appointment
Yes, there was a whole lot of waiting. It took us a total of 3.5 hours at ROMM. I would highly recommend you to wear comfortable clothes, bring snacks and a water bottle, and bring a portable charger. The place is air-conditioned so bring a jacket if you’re sensitive to the cold. Thankfully, there is a toilet available for the public.
Our appointment for VDSD was at 2.45pm. We arrived at around 2.30pm and reported to the ROMM front desk to be issued a queue number. In total, there were four beeps and there was a lot of waiting in between each beep.
First beep, head to the counter to show the counter staff that we brought the correct documents, and all the documents that are required. The staff will verify that all these documents are the original copies. Photocopied versions are not accepted.
Second beep, my mum to be called into the room to meet a Kadi / Naib Kadi on duty. Since I don’t have a father / wali, my mum was interviewed by the Kadi / Naib Kadi, to verify that they were divorced and had no contact for the last 20 years, etc.
Third beep, the couple to head into the room to meet a Kadi / Naib Kadi on duty. They asked about our situation, your preparation and whether or not you were forced into the marriage, etc. It was a pretty casual chat and this Kadi / Naib Kadi will not necessarily be the Kadi you have chosen to run your solemnisation. It’s just a Kadi / Naib Kadi that is on duty, deployed by ROMM to conduct the VDSD.
Fourth beep, head to the counter again to submit your details + witnesses details + ceremony (venue and time) details + preferred Kadi of your choice.
But… for us, it didn’t end there. At the fourth beep, when we had to submit the details and as I was writing the information down, they told us to pick a preferred Kadi. We literally said, “Anyone in the list is okay”. A few clicks on their computer and the counter staff told that there was no Kadi slots available on their system for our weekday date. No other alternative solutions given by them, and all of us just looked blankly at each other. Can you imagine the stress? Astaghfirullalazim, my patience was really tested here.
We didn’t want to take no for an answer so we asked them if there was anything else that they can do, because it seems impossible that not a single Kadi has an open slot for a weekday wedding. The counter staff then called the Ustaz / Kadi who met us in the room earlier to help us find a solution. He clarified that, “Oh, usually Kadi will close their slots on weekdays by default. If they have no lessons or nothing on, usually not a problem, they will open up a slot for you even if the system blocked it out. But you will have to call them up one by one to check, whether they are able to officiate the ceremony or not.”
Our eyes almost popped out, I tell you. Astaghfirullahalazim. After he said that, I just literally kept quiet and looked at him. I think the Ustaz understood our frustration, and he told the admin staff to call all the Kadis up to check if any one of them are able to be flexible with their availability, instead of having us call the whole list of Kadis by ourselves, one by one.
We waited for about 30 minutes more and tried to cool off by taking some typical ROMM shots at the typical photo taking area, and then at 5.30pm, we were told to head home as office hours are over and the admin officers would need some time to contact the all the Kadi on the list. They took down our contact number and told us that someone from ROMM will contact us by the next morning once they have an update. Okay. So we went off to find our rings and moved along with our day.
6 August 2020: Confirmation of Kadi
8 AM: It has been more than 12 hours. We waited and waited, no calls. I called ROMM but the front desk literally said, “I don’t have any information related to this, you will just have to wait for an update from ROMM admin side”. Okay fine. Yesterday, we left when office hours were almost up and I'm calling when they just opened anyway, so chill, Nurul.
12 PM: Somehow, I just couldn’t endure their lack of information (again) so I contacted my aunt, who is an asatizah and might have Kadi contacts on her list. She gave us her friend's number, but it turns out that he’s a Naib Kadi. So again, we are back to square one, waiting for ROMM to call us with an update.
3 PM: No calls. Still. Office close at 6pm you know. I was super restless as you can tell.
4 PM: Fazwan decided to just make his way down to the ROMM office since the front desk staff said she knows nothing, and no one from the ROMM office has called us even though they promised they will drop us a call in the morning.
5 PM: Fazwan reached ROMM, took a queue number from the front desk and guess what? Counter staff says, “Oh we already assigned a Kadi to you in the morning. We were waiting for you to come down, so that we can deliver the good news.”
HUH?????????
I really don’t understand lah, at this point. Ya Allah. Couldn’t one person just pick up the phone to update us in the morning, like they promised? We could have came down earlier and not have to go through a whole day filled with restlessness and anxiety. Astaghfirullah. I don’t know if they are undermanpowered or lack efficiency or have too much cases that they need to handle, but at that moment, Masya'Allah somehow all of the anger inside of us just disappeared. We were just so relieved that we had been assigned a Kadi and that is one big problem lifted off our shoulders, so macam nak marah pon tak guna because despite the stress, Allah eased in the end. We were instructed to contact the Kadi to arrange for a F2F session. We dropped him a text and he replied almost instantly, and we got an appointment with him for the next day. Alhamdulillah.
Over the ROMM counter, Fazwan also received the letter from ROMM, for the advertisement, which we need to publish to Berita Harian Malaysia to seek for my missing father. No instructions on where to go whatsoever. When Fazwan was at ROMM, he asked for the phone number that we can contact, the admin officer said to contact SPH and “they will know who to direct you to”. Fazwan just wanted to get out of there so he grabbed the paper and left. But my goodness. SPH = Singapore Press Holdings. SINGAPORE. I need to publish to Malaysia’s newspaper sis. I contacted SPH anyway, since no one in ROMM could provide us with the phone number. But as expected, SPH had no idea on who to direct us to as well because they have no control over Malaysia’s publications.
But then..
After hours of stressing, I spotted an address at the top and addressing the letter to “Officer In Charge, NewBase Media”. This one, I bodoh, I didn’t realise that there’s an address there. The admin staff also bodoh lah, cos when Fazwan asked, she said to call SPH. But actually the address was there all along. Benefit of doubt, maybe she’s not the one who did up the letter. Hahaha.
We had to google for NewBase Media and make our own research to find a contact number. This is a whole other spy kids moment but I found the agency’s office number, called, no answer. Turns out, they were all working remotely due to the circuit breaker. Ya Allah. I ended up having to go to the extent of contacting the director via LinkedIn to get an urgent appointment with them and she then linked us up to the officer in charge.
Leceh or what, seriously. What if I don’t know how or where to stalk the director? What if I’m not a tech savvy person? Merepek kan…… All this could have been avoided you know.
7 August 2020: Ad Placement
It was my birthday, mind you. Hahaha. We went to NewBase Media that’s located in Clarke Quay to place the ad. They are one of the publishers who are able to link to newspapers from all around the world. They are definitely not the friendliest of people but our objective is just to get the ad published. A friend told us that her ad in Berita Harian Singapore costed $300. To our surprise, ours was a hundred dollars cheaper! Alhamdulillah.
All they need is both your NRIC number + the letter from ROMM. That’s all. After confirming the details, you just have to make payment. Ironically, for a company that handles digital media, they only accept cash payments. If you’re placing an ad through this publisher, be sure to have cash at hand. Fazwan had to walk all the way back to Central Mall to find an ATM and we ended up spending close to an hour there just because they die die won’t take paynow / paylah or whatever cashless payment methods we suggested. After that is done, you just have to wait for the ad to be published.
He mentioned that the ad will be published anytime in the next 14 days. So that means, 20th August confirm dah publish right? Everyday since 20 August, I dropped them a message. Sometimes they will reply, sometimes they wouldn’t and we will just copy and paste our message and resend. I don’t know what’s wrong with people and reassuring their customers. I know I’m not a big ad sales client but still?
7 August 2020: F2F Session (Online)
Right after we left NewBase Media’s office, we rushed to find a seat at Central’s Starbucks for the F2F session. That’s where you get to know your Kadi. It’s a program called “Bersamamu” that was set up by MUIS to help young couples prepare for life after the wedding. It literally translates to “With You” and is done by your Kadi / Naib Kadi. We were assigned to the most humble and patient man on earth, Masya’Allah. Ustaz Karim Bin Ahmad is one of the older and senior Kadi in Singapore with a lot of years of experience in his pocket. We did a video call and he runs through the event timeline with you, what to expect, good practices before the nikah day, etc. He asked how we met and what we’ve done to prepare ourselves for life after the wedding, etc. Our session was done through video call due to the COVID-19 situation. But previously, some couples did it at ROMM / Mosque / etc. Your Kadi will have to sign an attendance form stating that you attended, and send that to you.
23 August 2020: Submit proof of advertisement
Since our ad was published in Malaysia, we had to show a soft copy of the ad as proof. Thank god for COVID-19 on this part though, because if the border restrictions were lifted, and you publish an ad in Malaysia, you will need to retrieve the physical copy and submit the proof! Anyway, we finally received the softcopy of the newspaper article from the advertising agency. The date of publishing was 12 August, btw! We only received it on 23rd August. But again, the anger from the lack of information was cushioned by the fact that another huge weight is off our shoulders and we finally have the proof of advertisement. So again, nak marah pon tak guna.
I dropped ROMM an email again, asking about what I’m supposed to do with this advertisement proof that I have (because again, there is no mention of this ANYWHERE on their website) but to no avail. Come to think of it, no one from ROMM replied us until today lah. I just checked the email thread.
Thankfully, Ustaz Karim was really really helpful when we confided in him about this. He told us not to worry and he helped us to submit the proof of advertisement to ROMM on our behalf to ensure that no more hiccups were to happen for our solemnization.
After this, Alhamdulillah, there is nothing left for you to do but wait for the actual day. It is kinda standard practice to text your Kadi / Naib Kadi the night before the wedding, to remind him of the place and time of solemnization. Just to ensure that he didn’t forget or double booked himself, and will get out of the house early if needed. We did that and Ustaz Karim told us to go to sleep and get some rest. HAHA! He’s super cute lah, really.
9.9.2020: Sealed the deal! Alhamdulillah.
How much did you pay your Kadi?
Did you know that it is not obligatory for Kadis to be paid to officiate? How humble is their' job, seriously? They do this out of goodwill to halalkan your relationship. However, it is highly highly encouraged to compensate your Kadi / Naib Kadi for their transport and time spent for your ceremony. I searched a few sites and asked our married friends. Everyone mentioned an amount between $200 - $300. We had already set aside an amount within that range so Alhamdulillah, no shocking costs for us.
Would you recommend your Kadi?
Yes, yes, a million times yes. As mentioned above, he is one of the senior Kadis with a lot of years of experience at hand but yet, he is super duper humble and understanding. I would recommend Ustaz Karim Bin Ahmad to anyone. He is extremely knowledgeable and has a pocket full of dad jokes too, which made us as a couple really comfortable opening up to him during the F2F session and he even entertained the audience while he was giving his opening speech. Hahaha.
What if the kadis are not available for ourdate/time?
You will have to either find another Kadi that can accommodate to your ceremony, or adjust your ceremony timing to fit your preferred Kadi. It might help if you know a Kadi / Naib Kadi way before your planned nikah ceremony. Trust us on this. Network. Especially if your preferred choice is someone who is highly sought after like Ustaz Zahid Zin or Ustaz Mizi Wahid. They are really really popular. It’s either find a Kadi / Naib Kadi that can officiate, otherwise your event timing will have to be adjusted.
How long does the process take? Including publishing etc etc.
For us, it took about a month. On this part, you need to keep this in mind: if you don’t have a sense of urgency, neither will your surroundings. So if you are on a time crunch like we were, then you really need to push to get the information that you need and consistently ask ROMM for help or updates, so that they would try in their best ability to help you expedite your process. There are a lot of people who had to postpone their wedding during the circuit breaker, so as the governing body, ROMM’s priority is to clear that first (which is why there was a sudden increase of weddings in June) but if you keep calling / reminding them / checking, it should be okay. Insha’Allah. I feel that timing is really important, especially with things that require some waiting or if your situation is as crazy as ours, or crazier. Always have some sense of urgency and focus on prioritising the important things. If something is not a necessity, then just remove it from your checklist to avoid any more stress.
How much does it cost for publishing?
This depends on which paper you’re publishing to. For ours, it was Berita Harian (Malaysia) and we spent $199 SGD. A friend of ours shared that her ad placement in Berita Harian (Singapore) costs SGD300. This is kinda the cheapest advertising rate available for our ad size. Talk to your publisher and get them to send you a soft copy, just in case you didn’t spot your ad in the physical copy.
If you still have questions,
Please don’t hesitate to comment below okay? I may or may not know the answer because I am not a professional and everyone’s situation is different, but hopefully someone who reads your comment has been in the same position as you are and might be able to help. Insha’Allah. If you wish to send us a direct message on Instagram, please follow us @exploretomakan and drop us a message there.
Otherwise, I would highly recommend you to get in touch with ROMM directly to get your doubts cleared. You can also contact the Kadi / Naib Kadi of your choice, their contact information is available on ROMM’s website. You just need to raise your fingers and type it out to search. You need to put in the work and do your own research, because every couple is different and have different needs to different situations.
Ask, seek help, find a way to make things work. Work together with your partner to reach the end goal that you both have in mind. Allah won’t hinder something if it is already written for you, so stay strong and stay positive, okay? Insha’Allah it will be fine. Allah is always there for you.
And that’s all for this post! Whoa, that’s probably the longest article that I’ve ever written. Hahaha. I sincerely hope that this article would be useful to anyone who is in the same position that I previously was, and I sincerely hope that I have given you a little assurance on the things that you need to do in order for your wedding to go smoothly.
Our solemnization process may not be as easy or straightforward as other couples who still have both parents around, and coming from a broken family might not have been easy for us all.… but Insha’Allah it will be worth it and Insha’Allah, all of us newlyweds will strive to do better so that our kids in the future will have a better life than we did. Insha’Allah Amin. ♥︎
